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Jan. 31st, 2009 @ 12:32 am I'm just being honest with my absurdity.
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
I'm ready now. Simply because Mom approved, PRAised rather- namely, did not condone--my spontaneous $15 sweater purchase.
Nov. 2nd, 2008 @ 12:32 pm It's here.
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
High or Dry?: peaceful
I feel there to be so much energy on this eve of the eve of this historical election.
Oct. 27th, 2008 @ 03:14 am UNDEAD JOURNAL!!!
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
High or Dry?: hyper
One of my PROUDEST moments of Obama, and of course there have been some, is in his interview on the O'Reilly Factor. 9/08.

It's really bizarre. I've been watching Bill O'Reilly on youtube all night. Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, O'Reilly on The View, WHAAAAT?

YOU GUYS WHERE'S THE FUCKIN BIG-ASS PARTY NEXT TUESDAY???
Oct. 14th, 2008 @ 01:42 am the fight to take back integrity
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
Exit Music (for a film): Messiaen my mama
Remember..... ::deep breath:: ....Courage.
Oct. 13th, 2008 @ 02:16 am (no subject)
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
Exit Music (for a film): The Fucking National
I am very frustrated with my brain's insistence that Friday night was so monumental. The place was packed. Inadvertently separated now old friends were unexpectedly everywhere. The devil inside you feeds off of stimulation. The bad hip-hop wouldn't...go....away... You had a bit of whiskey. Some blonde dude scared you. RARRR! Like that. RARRRR Does my Pll-A-TE-NUM hair BLIIIND YOU??!?!? Whahahahahaha.

Oh wait...he'd probably even say that. I forgot about the vampire voice...I'm probably just subconsciously scared of him altogether....
BlahbluablaAAGHThat's beside the point.

:: frustrated, embarrassed that I looked flighty. junior high emotion. weak; devastated by how far it ultimately manifested from my imagination; ::

I've recognized, done so during and since, the typicality of the situation. Why was I foolish enough to think I'd have such significant control?

:: such strong shock reflects invincible connection ::

ROMANTICIZING the...TYPICAL. The Chemical. ROmanticizing Matt Berninger's Vocal Chords labeled :Deep Baritone:.

I found myself : attracted: to some particular Nordstroms clothing (that :happened to be black. classy: ) with which I could :: spend and evening out together, later wrap around him look at each other delicately ::

I wanna hurry home to you put on a slow dumb show for you...crack you up I'd put a blue ribbon 'round your brain. no doubt. you're fucking brilliant.


This is enough
Oct. 10th, 2008 @ 01:05 am i'm having too much trouble in asking you to be my friend
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
Exit Music (for a film): Piano Magic
I really miss being able to smoke inside, as I write, immediately after I return to consciousness from thought, when I hear the Piano Magic song so gorgeously chosen by him. his taste. his intricate taste and awareness, and dark passion of feeling. -for the first time in...beyond a Roscoe Village bedroom months.months ago.
Because I GET sporadic SHOCKS of intensity there are too many sensory reactions for me to get out the window in time. For it to be relevant.

I'm in rehabilitation. After all. I suppose.

What?

Here it comes again....


I am, actually, really satisfied being here. I feel loved again I don't have to make sacrifices in order to immediately feel loved.

---Perhaps it is in fact crucial to monitor all that encompasses my near vicinity. In my home. All. Everything. EVERYTHING.---

But, at least in this moment, I'm realizing that I might be plastic. Living in this place.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I can't experience passionate feeling. In this place.


My mother would call that something to be equated with recklessness....
Sep. 5th, 2008 @ 11:29 am (no subject)
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
"I haven't been taking anything in my life seriously. My music. My boy. Then my finances. My physical and mental health. I've fallen into such deep frustration with disconnect unrealized.

But alas, 'tis so simple.
"

Huh...dunno, me finds it dishonest not to acknowledge the above restored saved draft that popped up from god knows when. Considering the content, could've been 4-6 months ago. I must acknowledge and value snapshots. Although, I am without the time to analyze further than--am I REALLY BeyonD THatTT? Well, shit.

I am so goddamnimmersed in the election. I'm pumped and frightened and ecstatic and glued to the TV and papers and might be traveling to Indiana tomorrow.

I need to make like...95% more updates on here.

Shit. Fall makes me fall in love with frgn everything. At first touch, I'm so transformed. Is that really it?

STOP
Jun. 10th, 2008 @ 07:24 am we're in June now
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
-Westerburg showed Kate my final composition project as a positive example
-Susanne asked me to consider teaching the Community Music Theory and Composition course
-Susanne asked me to accompany two of the spring recitals. Susanne is very picky and expects high levels
-my apartment is filled with books and many many 80's/90's VHS movies
-I cut my hair just in time for Chicago humidity
-I've done pretty damn well in leaving him alone

I'm not making it easy for myself to land. An "I know I'll get over it" patina upon prominent disappointment. A recognition -It feels so good when Allie says she "loves my brain"(-), but not yet commitment, that independence will now allow free-breathing and pursuit of desires and knowledge. Questioning if something so right has happened at a time so wrong; in recognizing that such thoughts are useless, I still claim integrity in proclaiming their truth to my identity. I'm half involuntarily half voluntarily strong though I've been sporadically minorly breaking down. I'm self-deprecatingly sick of failure while willing to disattach from such thoughts; I've been finding them as products of gluttony for failure. I'm trying not to mutilate one or the other through blame and resentment-it's such a struggle.

I don't have to be so sure in order to let this go. Otherwise, the act wouldn't be courageous. Otherwise, I'd still be standing for analysis paralysis rather than action.

How long am I gonna friggen sit in this pool of paralysis?

I'm so tired.

Nothing would make me happier than to be meant for you.
Apr. 23rd, 2008 @ 04:10 am (no subject)
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
I forget I find this room and these angles gorgeous.

Fuck you inhumane vocabulary after diagnosis. Personality is not categorized.

I wish I could truly believe this ultimately. Perhaps someday. That faint hope is my only current remnant. Thank whmvutever.

Stop waiting for false imminent "pure" introspection.

I'm sorry.

A bulk of the times I am required to log into some frequently accessed password protected web page, I remember the time I clicked "never remember password" to livejournal on Adrian's computer, which resulted in his shortly thereafter very-mild frustration.
Mar. 20th, 2008 @ 12:07 am when i open and reach for
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
Exit Music (for a film): couch
1. A Silver Mt. Zion - 13 angels standing guard round the side of your bed
2. Mum - we have a map of the piano
3. Radiohead - true love waits
4. Mogwai - i know you are but what am i?
5. Couch - gegen alles bereit
6. Olivier Messiaen - quatour pour la fin du temps, V. louange a l'eternite de jesus
7. Fridge - tone guitar and drum noise
8. Christopher O'Riley - true love waits
9. Tom Waits - time
10. Mogwai - kids will be skeletons
Mar. 4th, 2008 @ 04:45 pm (no subject)
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
Exit Music (for a film): Allo’s most recent mix maybe that’s what inspired me
I think I’ve been so lost & numb & depressedunstable because I’ve been having such a void of music in my life. What has been causing to doubt a life-path has been the result of the absence of that life-path.

Maybe this is all because I’m a writer, or a musician and composer.

It’s what I tell myself.

And, no longer (lately), do I know truth.

So I equate with the musician, and with the composer of music and words.

I don’t know if I know any identity outside of these.

I don’t know any identity. I’ve known the aforementioned for 30 seconds since I put-to-words.

That’s a verb, bitch.

Is my lack of writing- of either form but moreso, I recognize I admit, in the form of English rather than musical notation- directly related to this lack of feeling and this loss for & struggle for identity? If I know anything, lately, which is nothing at almost all times, it’s this. Vague. But knowledge

I’m tired of “knowledge” of when one’s own profundity takes mold.

Who the FUCK am I reaching for?




Fa...a.......ad..........ade
Feb. 7th, 2008 @ 02:47 pm Time is running the fuck out.
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
They say that Barack just looks good on paper in the form of beautifully written speeches. Hillary just looks good, on paper.

They contest that Obama's inspiring speeches generate an emotional response so strong that it blinds. But in Hillary, I see too high an amount of generalizations, which I see are just the conventional way, the same old political bullshit, of blinding people with emotion. If anything, it may be even more blinding because it is conventional.

Hillary shows passion for finally manifesting liberal ideals. She emphasizes that this passion is the foundation for her plans. Totally totally, dude, huge props for her passion and determination- I highly respect and value it. Barack shows a capability to intricately devise plans in order to manifest liberal ideals. I see Hillary's passionate beliefs as generalizations preempting plans that will carry out those beliefs; I see Barack preempting the manifestations of those said liberal ideals with the development of intricate plans. Bottom up or top down, people? THIS is true grassroots, and the true liberal ideal.

I see more and more Americans (and this is what they call the phenomenon, of which I am proudly a part) finding in Barack the method for change that all human beings in their nature, no matter the political position, need from their commander in chief. I see an intellectual capacity to extrapolate what is hiddenly inherent of the souls of human nature and to political physics, philosophical physics, all physics; the type of intellectual capacity that is unparalleled to the average brain and to the average brain of even all our leaders. This is profoundly unconventional politics.

In Hillary, I hear passion; I hear "liberal" passion; I hear her being emotionally seduced by the liberal need for change from a conservative America, something I think to which most liberals can admit to be victims. But we are voting for a commander in chief, not simply another passionate liberal who is begging for the implementation of liberal ideals. Her emotional seduction is breeding a flat out attack on Republicans, and I am uncomfortable with how often I hear these generalizations-in-the-form-of-attacks flow from her mouth. Just as much as Romney declares McCain as a sway from true conservatism, this is not true liberalism.

And Hillary and Barack are both self-declared activists for unconventional politics. Hey it's your decision to determine which one is the more effective activist. I determine: Barack.

And this is why he's our fuckin homeboy.

I admit, I do wish he was a woman.

But I also bet he's better in bed than Hillary.

And that's hot.


Ok, I think that's it, for now.
Feb. 4th, 2008 @ 12:38 pm Cabin Fever
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
Current Location: the metaphorical Logan Square cabin
High or Dry?: crazy
I found these Myspace messages appropriate for LJ:

____________________________________

From: Kurt
Date: Feb 4, 2008 11:27 AM


aw, it was deleted. which probably means it was awesome. whawasit?

just kinda sat around last night and watched some netflix movies (ryan found a new reality tv show - some celebrity rehab thing with dr drew and i think he watched it for 3+ hours). shoveled out a bit, but it melted enough overnight that it wouldn't have mattered. i was pointed out this morning that this is "heart attack" snow. you know, the heavy stuff.

i'm having a bad day. already i know it's a bad day. i don't feel great, they closed the bridge onto goose island so i had to drive all the way around and took about 40 minutes to get to work. and everyone is high strung/strung out and all this other going wrong minutiae. for instance, i'm not getting soup for lunch because i already know i would spill it on myself.

and i think cabin fever is setting in. right? RIGHT?! c R a Z y T i M e.

so i watched this movie last night called "the future of food" and it made me wary of a lot of the modern agriculture system. and i'm always really freaked out when i go to the grocery store to buy a red bell pepper and find out it's from israel or something. so i think i might try something new this year. community supported agriculture. basically, i give this organic farm in NW illinois money up front. then for 24 weeks, mid june to early december, every saturday there would be a box of vegetables for me at a drop off in logan square. the thing i'm not sure about is that what if i'm not around that weekend? no vegetables.

okwellishouldgetbacktoworkorsomethinghereori'llgetabsolutely
nothingdoneatalltoday.wannahangouttonight?

kuRt

__________

From: Cheryl
Feb 4, 2008 12:30 PM


Cabin fever is setting in. Last night I rolled around on the ground, partially whining; stood forehead against the window looking out-stuck inside-stuck in snow-stuck in layers of cotton and polyester blend---well, that's what my dazed eyes said. Katy and Lauren started to get a little freaked out.

I've been noticing the last few days--I've never suffered so much from cabin fever. What's going ONNNN???

"Going wrong minutia"--you just articulated my recent consciously aware yet undefined through language...involuntary reaction to cabin fever.

So, in an attempt to fight the cabin fever before it is again temporarily too late to fight--ya know, severe cabin fever that in and of itself is incomprehensible of possible cabin-fever-defeat----Katy and I wrote out a schedule before bed last night. Today has been declared "Cheryl and Katy's DAY. OF. PRODUCTIVITY". Noon: Coffee; 1: Clean; 1.30: Yoga-Dance Fusion DVD; 2-3.30: Various Job Searching/Showers; 4: Haircut(s) (Chauffer: Cheryl; Stuck-In-Cabin-Fever-Due-To-Car-Towing Passenger: Katy; Free-Haircut Recipient: Katy; Pending Free-Haircut Recipient: Cheryl); 9: PARTAYYY (Mt. St. Helen's @ Empty Bottle---wanna come? Pending Attendee: Cheryl, due to double commitments to Favorite-Peoples: Katy and Kurt)

SO: I'm thinking of you today. I wish you the successful avoidance of soup-spillage, the implementation of humor as a fighting tactic, and clear sight of today's end reward, if you so choose to accept it: hugs from Cheryl.


In other news, I love how you articulate yourself, Community Supported Agriculture sounds like a fantastic revelation in order to defeat this fucking controversial American agriculture system, and the job posting I meant to share with you was for a "Children's Party Leader" who's job description is to dress up in full costume as children's characters such as Dora the Explorer or Elmo, and to carry out typical duties for a children's party entertainer.....ya know, whatever one would expect from a LIFESIZE FUCKING CREEPY ASS LIVING ELMO. Carrying balloons. Sporting a permanent smirk on his/her face (Elmo has no genitals; diplomatic reaction to the sexual abuse crisis? Sesame Street in support of gender neutrality? Cheryl needs to shut up now?)


Call me.
Cheryl
Jan. 10th, 2008 @ 12:11 pm (no subject)
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
This is romantic. Is solitude the true love I somehow never before recognized(ialwaysrecognizelove)? Harsher than "solitude", however. Lonliness . ?.
i've made friends, close close, dear? friends with you I question, fear? a next step without you. Scotch chilled by hearted-ice-cubes. High sensitivity to feeling; the inability to move, out of my red couch, out of my sensitivity of my brain of-my heart is not my feelings-My feelings. Don't intrude. Let me process. Let me feel my way through all of this. Allow my stomach to sink and chest to ever-so-ache and head to float heavily so I can spend the next few days with integrity of emotional expression and organic bond with all that creates this personal reality. They're all that I see.

I want to warm up next to you. You are the change in my life that bred my first momentary contact with feeling in a year. I fear sometimes my buckling chest and neck and forehead and hips and....gut----if anyone were to penetrate what has been mercilessly sealed for a ye--I'm nearing heated protest against linear time.

Your hair is so soft, so blonde you fit gently my crevices, so many crevices, so softly carefully needingly without recompense expectation. Does that allow, me? I will give you I will give you my stomach allows giving. Though there are so many poisonous inhalees.
Jan. 8th, 2008 @ 02:24 am (no subject)
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
Exit Music (for a film): Pandora, Radiohead Radio
Interesting, seeing it's a damn online quiz, and intricacies are (clearly) unaddressed. And yet...

85% John Edwards
82% Barack Obama
80% Dennis Kucinich
80% Mike Gravel
79% Hillary Clinton
76% Joe Biden
73% Chris Dodd
73% Bill Richardson
40% Rudy Giuliani
32% John McCain
23% Mike Huckabee
21% Mitt Romney
19% Tom Tancredo
12% Fred Thompson
8% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz



I'm a little frightened that I may be getting a rash.


I can't wait for morning coffee. No unique reason.


Blondie's comin' this weekend:)
Jan. 4th, 2008 @ 01:57 am (no subject)
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
Exit Music (for a film): TV: The L Word
I so respect you. My mind is still acknowledging duty after ambition after after after-- rapidly, racing. But I can feel my breathing; and brain-races are connecting fluidly. Brain is racing and physical results are sluggish. But I'm breathing brain-races are fluiditing.

I am actions-louder-than-words-ing. Some by choice, and more by situational natural progression. When has that last happened by me? I'm watching you unfold and I'm unfolding and I'm honored to be the possible finallyshowingyouwhat gorgeous, you deserves.

I'm finally, again, seeing existence of choice and instinct for manifesting integrity.


you gave me a black moleskin handbag carrying journal. You picked it up and for once I wasn't even conscious of what I seemingly showed you about me.




Katy I think you had a tremendous hand in something guiding me. Just writing and then realized this shtuff is also for you to see.
Jan. 3rd, 2008 @ 03:03 pm (no subject)
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
I may have just woken up outside of 2007, today. What if the oblivion that had been 2008 is the only antithesis to whateverthefuckthatfuckingyearyou'veogttabejokingmeleavemethefuckaloneseriouslydoyouREMEMBER??whatyouDID>?>>>

Huh....takes a shitload to blow my top at a human being. Ahh, the integrity ignored when you only owe yourself.

So am I really pent up? Is this truly the first zap of a tingle after....alll....this......time........I can't remember anything anymore. I can't psycho-bullshit-analyze, because none of it had ever happened. My chained cigarettes have been digging throughNo one has retrieved for me any fucking comprehension or recollection to achieve some sort of feeling in my fucking body.

Do I even comprehend comprehending done without referencing bodily feeling?


I think I let it all run. It ranrannrannnnquite some time ago.


And so, I have no history and no words. All I can hope for/fear for, I am without power to deduce- is the product of the inherent. ThFUckinginhERenT.
Dec. 6th, 2007 @ 11:33 am first hint of self-awareness in, fuck you I dun know
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
High or Dry?: lost about loss
Exit Music (for a film): Rufus Does Judy At Carnegie Hall
In Evanston, I forget my musical aspirations that I fear forgetting. Suck me into another realm consciousness. You don't deserve to penetrate. Benefit of the doubts, Cheryl, are typically non-recurring. Holding out for the positives in an extremely dichotomic environment is often considered masochism.
Nov. 7th, 2007 @ 11:49 am (no subject)
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
High or Dry?: happy
Exit Music (for a film): 11:11 and Soviet Kitsch
Regina Spektor is presently quintessential honesty-of-expression.
Oct. 29th, 2007 @ 01:12 pm House of Leaves, and the others
it's gonna be a glorious day
radiohead passing trees
"I see it feelingly."