everything in its right place

we're in June now

2008-06-10T13:12:38Z

-Westerburg showed Kate my final composition project as a positive example
-Susanne asked me to consider teaching the Community Music Theory and Composition course
-Susanne asked me to accompany two of the spring recitals. Susanne is very picky and expects high levels
-my apartment is filled with books and many many 80's/90's VHS movies
-I cut my hair just in time for Chicago humidity
-I've done pretty damn well in leaving him alone

I'm not making it easy for myself to land. An "I know I'll get over it" patina upon prominent disappointment. A recognition -It feels so good when Allie says she "loves my brain"(-), but not yet commitment, that independence will now allow free-breathing and pursuit of desires and knowledge. Questioning if something so right has happened at a time so wrong; in recognizing that such thoughts are useless, I still claim integrity in proclaiming their truth to my identity. I'm half involuntarily half voluntarily strong though I've been sporadically minorly breaking down. I'm self-deprecatingly sick of failure while willing to disattach from such thoughts; I've been finding them as products of gluttony for failure. I'm trying not to mutilate one or the other through blame and resentment-it's such a struggle.

I don't have to be so sure in order to let this go. Otherwise, the act wouldn't be courageous. Otherwise, I'd still be standing for analysis paralysis rather than action.

How long am I gonna friggen sit in this pool of paralysis?

I'm so tired.

Nothing would make me happier than to deserve you.

moostafa27 @ 2008-04-23T04:10:00

2008-04-23T09:20:03Z

I forget I find this room and these angles gorgeous.

Fuck you inhumane vocabulary after diagnosis. Personality is not categorized.

I wish I could truly believe this ultimately. Perhaps someday. That faint hope is my only current remnant. Thank whmvutever.

Stop waiting for false imminent "pure" introspection.

I'm sorry.

A bulk of the times I am required to log into some frequently accessed password protected web page, I remember the time I clicked "never remember password" to livejournal on Adrian's computer, which resulted in his shortly thereafter very-mild frustration.

moostafa27 @ 2008-03-04T16:45:00

2008-03-04T22:45:30Z

I think I’ve been so lost & numb & depressedunstable because I’ve been having such a void of music in my life. What has been causing to doubt a life-path has been the result of the absence of that life-path.

Maybe this is all because I’m a writer, or a musician and composer.

It’s what I tell myself.

And, no longer (lately), do I know truth.

So I equate with the musician, and with the composer of music and words.

I don’t know if I know any identity outside of these.

I don’t know any identity. I’ve known the aforementioned for 30 seconds since I put-to-words.

That’s a verb, bitch.

Is my lack of writing- of either form but moreso, I recognize I admit, in the form of English rather than musical notation- directly related to this lack of feeling and this loss for & struggle for identity? If I know anything, lately, which is nothing at almost all times, it’s this. Vague. But knowledge

I’m tired of “knowledge” of when one’s own profundity takes mold.

Who the FUCK am I reaching for?

Fa...a.......ad..........ade

Time is running the fuck out.

2008-02-07T22:00:34Z

They say that Barack just looks good on paper in the form of beautifully written speeches. Hillary just looks good, on paper.

They contest that Obama's inspiring speeches generate an emotional response so strong that it blinds. But in Hillary, I see too high an amount of generalizations, which I see are just the conventional way, the same old political bullshit, of blinding people with emotion. If anything, it may be even more blinding because it is conventional.

Hillary shows passion for finally manifesting liberal ideals. She emphasizes that this passion is the foundation for her plans. Totally totally, dude, huge props for her passion and determination- I highly respect and value it. Barack shows a capability to intricately devise plans in order to manifest liberal ideals. I see Hillary's passionate beliefs as generalizations preempting plans that will carry out those beliefs; I see Barack preempting the manifestations of those said liberal ideals with the development of intricate plans. Bottom up or top down, people? THIS is true grassroots, and the true liberal ideal.

I see more and more Americans (and this is what they call the phenomenon, of which I am proudly a part) finding in Barack the method for change that all human beings in their nature, no matter the political position, need from their commander in chief. I see an intellectual capacity to extrapolate what is hiddenly inherent of the souls of human nature and to political physics, philosophical physics, all physics; the type of intellectual capacity that is unparalleled to the average brain and to the average brain of even all our leaders. This is profoundly unconventional politics.

In Hillary, I hear passion; I hear "liberal" passion; I hear her being emotionally seduced by the liberal need for change from a conservative America, something I think to which most liberals can admit to be victims. But we are voting for a commander in chief, not simply another passionate liberal who is begging for the implementation of liberal ideals. Her emotional seduction is breeding a flat out attack on Republicans, and I am uncomfortable with how often I hear these generalizations-in-the-form-of-attacks flow from her mouth. Just as much as Romney declares McCain as a sway from true conservatism, this is not true liberalism.

And Hillary and Barack are both self-declared activists for unconventional politics. Hey it's your decision to determine which one is the more effective activist. I determine: Barack.

And this is why he's our fuckin homeboy.

I admit, I do wish he was a woman.

But I also bet he's better in bed than Hillary.

And that's hot.

Ok, I think that's it, for now.

Cabin Fever

2008-02-04T18:42:03Z

I found these Myspace messages appropriate for LJ:

____________________________________

From: Kurt
Date: Feb 4, 2008 11:27 AM

aw, it was deleted. which probably means it was awesome. whawasit?

just kinda sat around last night and watched some netflix movies (ryan found a new reality tv show - some celebrity rehab thing with dr drew and i think he watched it for 3+ hours). shoveled out a bit, but it melted enough overnight that it wouldn't have mattered. i was pointed out this morning that this is "heart attack" snow. you know, the heavy stuff.

i'm having a bad day. already i know it's a bad day. i don't feel great, they closed the bridge onto goose island so i had to drive all the way around and took about 40 minutes to get to work. and everyone is high strung/strung out and all this other going wrong minutiae. for instance, i'm not getting soup for lunch because i already know i would spill it on myself.

and i think cabin fever is setting in. right? RIGHT?! c R a Z y T i M e.

so i watched this movie last night called "the future of food" and it made me wary of a lot of the modern agriculture system. and i'm always really freaked out when i go to the grocery store to buy a red bell pepper and find out it's from israel or something. so i think i might try something new this year. community supported agriculture. basically, i give this organic farm in NW illinois money up front. then for 24 weeks, mid june to early december, every saturday there would be a box of vegetables for me at a drop off in logan square. the thing i'm not sure about is that what if i'm not around that weekend? no vegetables.

okwellishouldgetbacktoworkorsomethinghereori'llgetabsolutely
nothingdoneatalltoday.wannahangouttonight?

kuRt

__________

From: Cheryl
Feb 4, 2008 12:30 PM

Cabin fever is setting in. Last night I rolled around on the ground, partially whining; stood forehead against the window looking out-stuck inside-stuck in snow-stuck in layers of cotton and polyester blend---well, that's what my dazed eyes said. Katy and Lauren started to get a little freaked out.

I've been noticing the last few days--I've never suffered so much from cabin fever. What's going ONNNN???

"Going wrong minutia"--you just articulated my recent consciously aware yet undefined through language...involuntary reaction to cabin fever.

So, in an attempt to fight the cabin fever before it is again temporarily too late to fight--ya know, severe cabin fever that in and of itself is incomprehensible of possible cabin-fever-defeat----Katy and I wrote out a schedule before bed last night. Today has been declared "Cheryl and Katy's DAY. OF. PRODUCTIVITY". Noon: Coffee; 1: Clean; 1.30: Yoga-Dance Fusion DVD; 2-3.30: Various Job Searching/Showers; 4: Haircut(s) (Chauffer: Cheryl; Stuck-In-Cabin-Fever-Due-To-Car-Towing Passenger: Katy; Free-Haircut Recipient: Katy; Pending Free-Haircut Recipient: Cheryl); 9: PARTAYYY (Mt. St. Helen's @ Empty Bottle---wanna come? Pending Attendee: Cheryl, due to double commitments to Favorite-Peoples: Katy and Kurt)

SO: I'm thinking of you today. I wish you the successful avoidance of soup-spillage, the implementation of humor as a fighting tactic, and clear sight of today's end reward, if you so choose to accept it: hugs from Cheryl.

In other news, I love how you articulate yourself, Community Supported Agriculture sounds like a fantastic revelation in order to defeat this fucking controversial American agriculture system, and the job posting I meant to share with you was for a "Children's Party Leader" who's job description is to dress up in full costume as children's characters such as Dora the Explorer or Elmo, and to carry out typical duties for a children's party entertainer.....ya know, whatever one would expect from a LIFESIZE FUCKING CREEPY ASS LIVING ELMO. Carrying balloons. Sporting a permanent smirk on his/her face (Elmo has no genitals; diplomatic reaction to the sexual abuse crisis? Sesame Street in support of gender neutrality? Cheryl needs to shut up now?)

Call me.
Cheryl

moostafa27 @ 2008-01-10T12:11:00

2008-01-10T18:11:55Z

This is romantic. Is solitude the true love I somehow never before recognized(ialwaysrecognizelove)? Harsher than "solitude", however. Lonliness . ?.
i've made friends, close close, dear? friends with you I question, fear? a next step without you. Scotch chilled by hearted-ice-cubes. High sensitivity to feeling; the inability to move, out of my red couch, out of my sensitivity of my brain of-my heart is not my feelings-My feelings. Don't intrude. Let me process. Let me feel my way through all of this. Allow my stomach to sink and chest to ever-so-ache and head to float heavily so I can spend the next few days with integrity of emotional expression and organic bond with all that creates this personal reality. They're all that I see.

I want to warm up next to you. You are the change in my life that bred my first momentary contact with feeling in a year. I fear sometimes my buckling chest and neck and forehead and hips and....gut----if anyone were to penetrate what has been mercilessly sealed for a ye--I'm nearing heated protest against linear time.

Your hair is so soft, so blonde you fit gently my crevices, so many crevices, so softly carefully needingly without recompense expectation. Does that allow, me? I will give you I will give you my stomach allows giving. Though there are so many poisonous inhalees.

moostafa27 @ 2008-01-08T02:24:00

2008-01-08T08:26:01Z

Interesting, seeing it's a damn online quiz, and intricacies are (clearly) unaddressed. And yet...

85% John Edwards
82% Barack Obama
80% Dennis Kucinich
80% Mike Gravel
79% Hillary Clinton
76% Joe Biden
73% Chris Dodd
73% Bill Richardson
40% Rudy Giuliani
32% John McCain
23% Mike Huckabee
21% Mitt Romney
19% Tom Tancredo
12% Fred Thompson
8% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

I'm a little frightened that I may be getting a rash.

I can't wait for morning coffee. No unique reason.

Blondie's comin' this weekend:)

moostafa27 @ 2008-01-04T01:57:00

2008-01-04T08:18:08Z

I so respect you. My mind is still acknowledging duty after ambition after after after-- rapidly, racing. But I can feel my breathing; and brain-races are connecting fluidly. Brain is racing and physical results are sluggish. But I'm breathing brain-races are fluiditing.

I am actions-louder-than-words-ing. Some by choice, and more by situational natural progression. When has that last happened by me? I'm watching you unfold and I'm unfolding and I'm honored to be the possible finallyshowingyouwhat gorgeous, you deserves.

I'm finally, again, seeing existence of choice and instinct for manifesting integrity.

you gave me a black moleskin handbag carrying journal. You picked it up and for once I wasn't even conscious of what I seemingly showed you about me.

Katy I think you had a tremendous hand in something guiding me. Just writing and then realized this shtuff is also for you to see.

moostafa27 @ 2008-01-03T15:03:00

2008-01-03T21:18:23Z

I may have just woken up outside of 2007, today. What if the oblivion that had been 2008 is the only antithesis to whateverthefuckthatfuckingyearyou'veogttabejokingmeleavemethefuckaloneseriouslydoyouREMEMBER??whatyouDID>?>>>

Huh....takes a shitload to blow my top at a human being. Ahh, the integrity ignored when you only owe yourself.

So am I really pent up? Is this truly the first zap of a tingle after....alll....this......time........I can't remember anything anymore. I can't psycho-bullshit-analyze, because none of it had ever happened. My chained cigarettes have been digging throughNo one has retrieved for me any fucking comprehension or recollection to achieve some sort of feeling in my fucking body.

Do I even comprehend comprehending done without referencing bodily feeling?

I think I let it all run. It ranrannrannnnquite some time ago.

And so, I have no history and no words. All I can hope for/fear for, I am without power to deduce- is the product of the inherent. ThFUckinginhERenT.

first hint of self-awareness in, fuck you I dun know

2007-12-06T18:22:02Z

In Evanston, I forget my musical aspirations that I fear forgetting. Suck me into another realm consciousness. You don't deserve to penetrate. Benefit of the doubts, Cheryl, are typically non-recurring. Holding out for the positives in an extremely dichotomic environment is often considered masochism.

moostafa27 @ 2007-11-07T11:49:00

2007-11-07T17:52:30Z

Regina Spektor is presently quintessential honesty-of-expression.

House of Leaves, and the others

2007-10-29T18:13:34Z

"I see it feelingly."

the trees and cold and wet soaking my neck with warm and toasty

2007-10-19T15:13:05Z

It's fall. I have a scarf exploding with rainbows. And it's greetings from Michigan.

My months have been the conflict between fun professional and lazy ass soaking- north by northwest. The Boston is fading in.

this entry can fuck itself (ed. 12/7/07)

moostafa27 @ 2007-10-19T01:14:00

2007-10-19T06:35:25Z

I don't know how to detach from this year as I had with previous dramatic phases. I can't believe anymore right now that this will ever become true past. It's sucking what's left of my stomach. I have little to no stomach. I'm in a limbo. I have no realization of the fact. It's limbo. There is no realization. It's limbo. For perhaps, by what little realization is currently upon me- only the acknowledgment of limbo- I'll no longer be in limbo. I'll be lost in the twelve months that have become the twelve months of my remaining existence. The wound is opened with lost genetics for cell rebuilding. My stomach is at its last end. My achievements- since October- are no longer achievements. They are pounds and pounds of creations born voided of any inherent ability. to attach. to this world. The toothpaste tube. I want it tomorrow. I have first awareness, today, my first step and tooth and word of awareness-of positive anticipation. But it will suck the remainder of my stomach into the space completely lacking oxygen. I'm exhausted. Love plus Sex has sucked away my stomach. Only one remaining layer. And the wound has been opened since October with never granted chromosomes triggering rebirth. Hope: I have want for a new stomach. I have yearning I have begging for a new stomach. So that I can take this, tomorrow and its possibilities. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I want this. I have one layer of power left to glimpse the existence of one-of-the-windows of a hilarious brilliant unbounded understanding blonde. It's ___:___ ratio, too bad for you it will now and forever more hasten sleep, . Well the picture has been painted. The ratio defined is reflected by the abstraction once-removed.

Please. I am saying please.

I'll prove it. I'll try to sleep.

moostafa27 @ 2007-10-10T23:29:00

2007-10-11T04:31:12Z

We've waited 4 1/2 years for this. Today has been National Radiohead Day.

moostafa27 @ 2007-09-30T13:58:00

2007-09-30T18:58:51Z

Things I've done in the midwest:

1. Shot guns at a chunk-of-wood-target next to the cornfields.
2. Pig races. Another time, watched muddy pig brawls at a State Fair.
3. Had my dog crushed by a truck on a rural farm road.
4. Bought cheese and brats at Mars' Cheese Castle.
5. Lived in the best American city that is ironically the MidWest powerhouse.

the first in such a while

2007-09-30T17:12:14Z

You wanna hear something emo?

Sometimes I miss depression for its beautiful introspection, and actually- for its feeling.

And by sometimes, I mean often.

Where are my emotions and intellect and passionate drive in this limbo? And if it were actually limbo, would not the aforementioned eventually return? I lack foresight NO....., I lack faith. The limbo bubble and its parameters of comprehension repel foresight.

Like depression inconceivable of impending conventional elation.

a search within the romanticizing of feeling equated with emo

2007-09-09T17:18:30Z

I battle, more and more every day, to bring my articulation skills from convolution to clarity, though I fear the blindness that accompanies my own perception of clarity. My design of the English language to port-hole my thoughts seems to inevitably mirror the convolution I'm attempting to alter and organize for communication purposes. Comments left on a returned paper a few weeks ago read, "This paper reads a lot like one long run-on sentence." I'm convinced of accurate descriptions of my ideas that are actually realized as long run-on overly described blahblahblah convoluted what's?. Though my professor's comment was quite amusing at the time, it is now the perfect matter to taunt me trapped here perpetually in my own little suffocating bubble glassed case prison.-March, 07

Am I actually frightened that the supposedly productive exercising of verbal communication (towards objective simplicity--HA!) that is occurring at my job ordered by my boss--will instead result in repercussions affecting my creative individuality? Is this more about my romanticizing of feeling equated with emo? Is this more about my fear that he's obliterating my blahblah"honesty of expression"blahblah? What, do I want to QUIT? I allow far too often disbelief in my future sustainability of my music.

moostafa27 @ 2007-08-26T21:50:00

2007-08-27T03:01:28Z

So SO ss--s-sooooSOO...we should limit our marathons we should limit our conversations we should give each other space limit our intensity ISN'T it WRONG to NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE?!? yeah, yeah, that is so the answer. I mean...seriously...

I just imported all of my pictures transferred from my PC into iBook. During the 3 minutes or so of loading, the thousands of pictures from mostly the last 4 years flashed successively and rapidly before my eyes.

So SO ss--s-sooooSOO...we should limit our marathons we should limit our conversations we should give each other space limit our intensity ISN'T it WRONG to NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE?!? yeah, yeah, that is so the answer. I mean...seriously...

Holy shit spell check now availalble on all websites and chatters is proving to me that my spelling accuracy has been reduced to moderate I've ALWAYS been an accurate and intuitive speller (though I admit lately the possibly oblivious I know LJ proves my random inaccuracy) and my non-return to academia, It's loosening my brain? Protesting etiquette in my release from academia? Loosening my brain? Protesting etiquette?

moostafa27 @ 2007-08-13T12:25:00

2007-08-13T17:32:12Z

I was trying to devoid myself of all feeling. And it was impossible. And I denied that fact. And it pissed me off.

I feel too much to stop feeling. I know this is fate.

So Shut Up. I have to love. If that means keeping everyone in my life that has hurt me, that's how it's gonna be. I still don't think the best strategy is as simple as the self-righteous power complex. I've done fairly well choosing to love unboundedly. I will get better at balancing this unbounded love with self protection and respect. But for the time being, I will not push you away.

artist

2007-08-12T16:59:24Z

Ani. Untouchable. Even though I claim to touch. Ani. Claims for herself an Untouchable. I'm finally able to put my sight of Ani into some amount of words.

Single broadly describes; "single" does not justify in the sense that majority sees "single." Single as a broad describer is only the beginning though perhaps everything.

Untouchable insight and untouchable female strength and untouchable artistic honesty of expression.

No one deserves to penetrate. It's not power and arrogance. It's self-preservation. It's the level of self-preservation that touches and liberates the realm of supreme love.

I'm going to go so far as to say

today is the first day of consciousness.

blue coffee

2007-08-11T19:42:39Z

It's getting more real. For whatever reason I'm trying not to believe, there's a difference in the permanences of prom and wedding. It's getting close, I'm running out time, I'm losing them. When did my generation start marriage? This is far too real I've always been one for foresight how did I miss this one. This is grief. This was big. Big sigh wet eyes a smile with more love or more sadness I'm not sure which, but a smile.

moostafa27 @ 2007-08-09T07:14:00

2007-08-09T12:15:07Z

moostafa27 @ 2007-08-09T07:02:00

2007-08-09T12:11:18Z

I guess when I'm up this early, caused from awaking after 4 hours on the dot, I've got multitudes of time to sit around in the quiet with any or all of my books, scores, movies, TV shows, coffee and cigarettes. I just fear I'll instead or more so simultaneously spend my time in insane self-mutilation, largely a product of my empty refrigerator and lack of sleep

No reason to continue. I hate this writing, I hate this whole concept, I hate this emo soup can, I hate the unconditional love that still whispers rejection here and there, I hate my failures, I drive myself here so that I'll never come back. It's my defense mechanism. Perhaps that's the true definition of emo. Not an attempt to live up. Why doesn't everyone realize that sometimes we're not fucking trying to live up to those standards. Leave me the fuck alone, leave me the fuck alone with my mood instabilities and introspection and my extroversion as protection and my unconditional love for so so many who will possibly claim to but never reflect back.

This is all fucking rambling, no poetry, words words wordssssssss jumble FUCK

moostafa27 @ 2007-08-03T10:18:00

2007-08-03T15:23:07Z

Ghetto Shower Curtain.

One of the perks of

My new. Fuckin. Amazing apartment.

This has been a production of the defying conservative parental post-graduation-living apprehension.